Cabin Fic
by Nel2
Summary: *finished* Zel is on his way to Lina and a cabin fic when he is suddenly pulled out of the game and replaced by our favorite Trickster Priest. My first real L/X fic! And starring Phibby as a co-host!
1. Prologue

  
AN: Jeez, this is getting long ... I'm not finished it yet and I really don't want to post it all in one piece like this, so I opted to post it scene-by-scene. Which means that this will be made up of many, many, short little chapters that might get annoying to read after a while. Well, read it if you dare!!! I think that it's going to be my best so far ... and my biggest. Well here we go...   
  
Welcome to Nel's wonderful new Xellina cabin fic! This will be starring Lina as Lina and Xellos as Zelgadis! Well, sorta. (Die, Lina/Zel shippers! DIE! And Filia/Xellos shippers! And Amelia/Zelgadis shippers! Yes, that means you … frightening sappy friend of mine who shall not be named. I'd also like to dedicate this to all you Xellos/Zelgadis shippers, and all the -- well, I'm sure you get the point. Not that I have anything against non-Lina/Xel shippers, of course…)   
  
This will also be starring Phibrizo as a co-host, because I sorta like him and I'll need someone to talk to when I get bored.   
  
Okay … GO!!!   
  



	2. The Beginning

  
  
Lina trudged through the snow, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and trying to calm her violent shivering.   
  
"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I HATE this, I HATE THIS…"   
  
_Sure,_ she thought, _I could have gone to the south … lain around all day on a hot beach, nice, warm ocean water … a big, bright tropical sun … but no, that would have been too easy. Instead, I decided it might be nice to go off to the north for a while … with the polar bears and the eskimos, and oh, why couldn't I have gone somewhere warm for once? WHY?!_   
  
She looked down at her hand. It was beginning to turn blue. She didn't even have any decent winter clothing … if she didn't get shelter sometime soon, she was going to start losing body parts!   
  
Not only that, but she didn't have any _ food_, either. It had all been lost when they were attacked by a low-level mazoku a while back. It had caught them unaware, managing to blast them with a fire attack before anybody could put up a reasonable shield. All their supplies had been lost, and Amelia had tripped over a rock trying to kill the beast before Lina was able to cast the Dragu Slave and blow it away.   
  
That's why she was out there right now. Because Amelia had tripped over a rock. Because Amelia had tripped over a god-frickin' rock and broken her leg and possibly damaged her spine and everybody was too scared to move her. So, they had to find her a doctor somewhere … only problem is, the last town was over thirty miles back and they weren't sure what direction they'd come from. So … they decided to split up. Gourry was likely too stupid to find his way back -- and certainly not clever enough to return to them after finding a doctor, if he even got that far! So, they'd left him with Amelia, and Lina and Zelgadis headed out to find a town.   
  
That was quite some time ago. All she cared about now was finding somewhere to spend the night.   
  
But, no such luck … I mean, where does one find a cabin in the middle of the snowy woods?!   
  
**PHIBRIZO-- "Yeah, where?"   
  
NEL-- *Slaps Phibby upside the head.* "Shut up. You don't come in 'till later."   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "Define 'later'."   
  
NEL-- *Glares.* "I _said_, 'SHUT UP'!!!"   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "H-hai." **   
  
Now, back to our story…   
  
Just then, she saw something behind a cover of snowy trees. It was … a house!   
  
Lina rushed forward, cold and hunger nearly forgotten in her excitement. She ran up to the door. It appeared to be a little cabin…   
  
Lina knocked on the door.   
  
_Hmmm…_ she thought. _Sounds like no one's there. Well, I can't just keep standing around in the cold like this…_   
  
Lina tried turning the knob. The door opened!   
  
**PHIBRIZO-- "Now, could someone please explain to me why anybody would go to all the trouble of building a nice cabin all the way out in the middle of woods, and not even bother to lock the _door?_"   
  
NEL-- "Because I said so. And didn't I just tell you to shut up? Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to punish you…"   
  
Noticing the maniacal glint in Nel's eyes, Phibrizo squeeks and scampers away before the looming figure behind him has a chance to act.   
  
NEL-- "Hey, come back here! I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!!!"   
  
Phibby dives behind a rock, narrowly avoiding being hit by a large kitchen knife.   
  
NEL-- "Oh Phiiiibby … come out, come out where ever you are."   
  
Nel darts around the rock where Phibby is, brandishing a bloody fork.   
  
NEL-- "Gotcha!"   
  
*CENSORED* **   
  
Lina walked inside. The furniture was kinda tacky, and it was a bit dusty. But there was a fireplace. Lina shivered. And at least it'd be warm...   
  



	3. The Second Part

  
  
Zelgadis pushed past some branches, wishing he was home in bed. No, wait … then he would still be living with Rezo. Still, it was very, very cold…   
  
Wait, what was that ahead? A cabin?! Zelgadis hurried forward … finally, some shelter from this goddamned weather!   
  
He had just about pushed through the last stand of trees, when suddenly … the earth opened up and swallowed him alive!!!   
  
**Pause for sarcastic comment by Phibrizo.   
  
*crickets*   
  
NEL-- "Ah, much better." **   
  
Sitting on a branch of one the snowy trees above, Xellos grinned. "I love having unlimited power…"   
  



	4. The Part After That

  
  
Lina heard a knock on the door. She frowned. _Now who can that be?_   
  
"Hello?" She called out cautiously, creaking the door open a crack.   
  
"Konichiwa, Lina-chan!" Exclaimed the Trickster Priest.   
  
"Xellos! …What are _you_ doing here?!"   
  
"Ah, I decided to help you with your little quest, since it's pretty cold out and I don't really have anything better to do at the moment."   
  
"Well then why didn't you just teleport to a doctor in the first place, and save us four hours of blundering around in the snow?!"   
  
"Oh, I can't just go around waisting my powers like that, Lina-chan! And besides, it's cold out and I don't have much energy."   
  
Lina snorted in disbelief but stepped back to allow him entry.   
  
"Well then what are you doing _here_?"   
  
"Well, I was walking nearby when I saw this little cabin out in the woods. Naturally, I decided to investigate."   
  
"Humph." Said Lina. "Well, since you're here, can you help me start a fire? The wood's too wet and it's really frickin' cold in here."   
  
"Can't you start it yourself? I would think a good fire ball would dry it right out."   
  
"I tried, but it still wouldn't light for some reason, and I don't wanna burn the cabin down."   
  
"That's odd. Are you sure that you did it correctly?"   
  
Lina bashed him into the splintered wooden floor.   
  
"Of course I did! Lina Inverse doesn't make mistakes, you stupid fruitcake!"   
  
"My deepest apologies, Lina-chan!" He gasped. "I was just wondering since you should normally have been able to do it easily, honestly!"   
  
"Better be…" She hesitantly released him, allowing him to dig out the large splinters of wood deeply imbedded in his face.   
  
"Well, are you gonna get a fire going or not?!"   
  
"Alright, alright Lina-chan! No need to get angry!"   
  
"Well then make it snappy!"   
  
Xellos waved a hand at the pile of damp pieces of ceder in the fireplace. Nothing happened.   
  
"Xellos, I'm warning you…"   
  
"I'm sorry Lina-chan, I'm not sure what's wrong … there appears to be some sort of spell on the wood preventing me from lighting it on fire."   
  
** By this point Nel has Phibrizo in headlock, choking him to prevent him from saying anything. She decides that it's time to start hitting the tranquillizers. **   
  
"Well then break the spell!"   
  
"I could try … but I might just end up burning the cabin down, like you were worried about!"   
  
Lina frowned. "Oh, all right … but what are we supposed to do now?! It's freezing in here; I need to get warm somehow!"   
  
"Well, the first thing we need to do is get you out of those wet clothes."   
  
"WHAT?!"   
  
"If you don't take them off, you might catch a cold."   
  
"But … but you're…"   
  
"I'm what, Lina-chan?"   
  
"Oh, don't 'chan' me! I am **not** taking off my clothes in front of you, got it?!"   
  
"Who said anything about that? I'll be turned around the entire time, promise!"   
  
"Since when do keep your promises? I don't care what you say, Xellos; I am _not_ taking off my clothes!" Retorted Lina, and then blushed slightly thinking about how that sounded.   
  
"But if you don't, you might get sick … and you don't really want to be standing around here all wet, do you?"   
  
"Well … I guess not…." She replied, feeling her resolve begin to weaken.   
  
"Hmmm … and I guess I'd better get out of my wet things too."   
  
"WHAT?! You're a mazoku; you don't get wet!!!"   
  
"Do too!"   
  
"Do not!"   
  
"Do too … I'm just as cold and wet as you are, thank you very much."   
  
"I know for a fact that you're not."   
  
"Oh? Have you ever been a mazoku, Lina?"   
  
"Uhh … well, no … but I've read lots of books on them, and I know that I'm right!"   
  
"And who wrote those books?"   
  
"The authors…"   
  
"Who were…"   
  
"…"   
  
"Humans, Lina! Which means that they couldn't have known either."   
  
"But they did research on this kinda stuff! And they … oh, just strip already."   
  



	5. Phibrizo Enters the Fic

  
  
** PHIBRIZO-- "May I just ask one thing?"   
  
NEL-- *cocks tranqualizer gun* "Go ahead."   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "Aw, come on, don't be that way … I'm not going to criticize your work, honest!"   
  
NEL-- "Oh, alright … what's your question?"   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "I just wanted to know when _I'm_ coming into this fic!"   
  
NEL-- "Hmmm … I think that counts as criticism…"   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "No, I didn't mean it that way, honest! It's just that all I 've done so far is hide behind rocks and be tortured by you, and I'm really scared, and I was really just wondering about it, I swear!!!"   
  
NEL-- "Oh, alright … I guess you can make your 'big appearance' now…"   
  
PHIBRIZO-- "Yes! What'll I be doing? It's something fun, right?! Please tell me it's something fun!!!"   
  
NEL-- "Very. Step right through there, please…" **   
  



	6. The Exchimera Awakes

  
  
Phibrizo walked into the small, roughly circular-shaped chamber, admiring the uneven rock walls reflecting the flickering light of the fire.   
  
In the center of the room, beside what looked kinda like a garbage can that was lit on fire, lay the still form of a man dressed in wet and torn clothing.   
  
Phibrizo poked him. Nothing happened. He tried poking him again. Still nothing. He decided to continue poking.   
  
The person groaned.   
  
"What … what happened?"   
  
"I don't know," replied Phibrizo. "I just got here."   
  
He looked up. "PHIBRIZO???"   
  
"That's me!"   
  
"What?! What are you--" he looked down at his hands. "Hey, are these … I-I-I'm human! But how can that be?"   
  
Phibrizo frowned slightly, wondering why the little ex-chimera was there.   
  
"I'm not sure … maybe you should ask Nel."   
  
"Who?"   
  
"Nel, the author of this sorry little fic."   
  
"Never heard of the guy."   
  
**NEL-- "GRRRR! Why does everyone always think that Nel is a boys name?! It's not! In fact, it's quite common in some little country … that starts with a P I think … oh, never mind. Maybe I should change my name. Yeah, that's what I'll do … I can be Simura. I always liked that name. Or Eve. Yep, that's it; I proclaim that from this day forth I shall be known as Eve in all my Slayers fics."**   
  
Phibrizo stared up at the ceiling with wide eyes. "Um, won't that get kinda confusing?"   
  
**EVE-- "No, it will not. And you're not supposed to be talking about me while you're in the fic!!!"**   
  
"Oh, right. Um … I was just kinda wondering why I was here. And with _him_."   
  
"And why am I human again?" Zelgadis inquired.   
  
**Eve smirked, and a box full of lighters, matches, nails, camel cigarettes and various other implements of torture fell onto the floor from the ceiling.   
  
EVE-- "Because stone doesn't burn."**   
  
Zel started to sweat.   
  



	7. Twenty Questions

  
  
"I swear Xellos, if you try anything there's not gonna be enough of you left to fit into an ashtray."   
  
"Try what, Lina-chan? I'm not going to do anything."   
  
She glared. "And let's just keep it that way, shall we?"   
  
Five minutes later:   
  
"Lina-chan, I'm bored."   
  
"Well, what d'you except me to do about it?"   
  
"Oh, I don't know … did you bring anything good to read?"   
  
"Do you **think** that I brought anything good to read?"   
  
"Oh, I don't know … I wouldn't think it would be very interesting just walking around in the woods all day."   
  
"Of course it's not! But if I was reading and walking at the same time I would probably crash into a tree. Plus, I've got to keep my eyes open if I want to find a doctor to fix up Amelia."   
  
"Oh, right … so what should we do now?"   
  
"I don't know … why don't you try sleeping? Mazoku _do_ sleep, right?"   
  
"If it suits our purpose."   
  
Lina stared at him for a second.   
  
"Oookay."   
  
"Say, why don't we play a game?"   
  
"What kind of game?"   
  
"How about twenty questions? I'll think of something and you have to guess what it is. You get twenty questions, but they have to be ones where I can give yes or no answers."   
  
"Alright then."   
  
"I'll give you a hint -- it's something that's in this cabin."   
  
"Okay … is it that old moose head over there?"   
  
"Nope. That's one question."   
  
"Is it the couch?"   
  
"No. Two questions."   
  
"Is it on the floor or up on top of something?"   
  
"Part of it is on the floor. That's three questions."   
  
"Part of it is on the floor? Uh … is it the wall?"   
  
"No."   
  
"The bed?"   
  
"No."   
  
"The rug?"   
  
"Of course not! The rug isn't part off the floor."   
  
"Yes it is -- see, three of the edges are propped up against the walls."   
  
"Oh. Well, that's not it. Now that's six questions…"   
  



	8. Torture

  
  
Zelgadis stared at the box, digesting Eve's words with the outmost precision.   
  
"Please tell me that you're not intending to do to me what it sounds like you're going to do to me."   
  
**EVE-- "Why not?"**   
  
Zelgadis sweatdropped. "Uhh…"   
  
Phibrizo rooted through the contents of the container, a smirk prominent on his childish face. "So what was this fic rated again?"   
  
**EVE-- "I haven't decided yet."**   
  
The smirk widened fractionally.   
  
"So, where should I start?"   
  
**EVE-- "Um … maybe with tying him to the ceiling."**   
  
"But how am I supposed to -- ah." Phibrizo pulled out some cable, and levitated to tie it onto a hook on the roof of the little cave.   
  
"Now, Zelgadis, if you wouldn't mind just extending your arms for a second … or better yet, your feet."   
  
"Uh-uh. No way. I am _not_ going to be tortured by an eight-year-old."   
  
"I look ten! And I'm really nine-hundred thousand, four-hundred sixty-one."   
  
"I don't care. You're not touching me."   
  
"Hah! You really think you can stop me, puny mortal? You're not even a chimera anymore!"   
  
"You're calling _me_ puny?! And why does everybody always assume that all my magic comes from being a hunk of rock?!"   
  
"Because most of it does."   
  
"Does not!"   
  
"Prove it, then."   
  
"Very well…" He started mumbling something under his breath.   
  
"Uh, what are you doing? …." Asked Phibrizo looking slightly nervous.   
  
"RA TILT!!!"   
  
A tiny stream of bright power flowed out of him, gently nudging at Phibrizo before disappearing.   
  
Phibrizo looked at him sceptically.   
  
"Oh crap…"   
  
"My turn."   
  
**EVE-- "'My turn'? Can you _be_ any lamer?"**   
  
"Hey -- I don't make fun of what you say in your fics, so don't make fun of what _I_ say in your fics."   
  
**EVE-- "What are you talking about?! You _always_ -- ooh, that had to hurt."**   
  
Zelgadis opened his eyes seconds later with a tiny moan, having just blacked out momentarly from being bashed into the wall.   
  
**EVE-- "You should work on better control with your tractor beams."**   
  
"They're not tractor beams; they're bolts of power being used as rope." He said indignantly. "And my control is perfect; he was struggling and I didn't want him to impale himself on the hook. At least, not yet…"   
  
"Can't you just let me go? I think I was supposed to be doing something else in this fic before I fell through that hole; what's this one supposed to be about?" Asked Zelgadis.   
  
**EVE-- "Oh, you can find out when I'm finished with you. Besides, you're not supposed to be in this one anymore … I had someone else fill in for you, so don't worry about it. Maybe you can get a new role in it when you find your way out of here."**   
  
"You never let me have a good role in your fics…." He muttered.   
  
**EVE-- "Sure I do. What about 'Chimera Crush'?"**   
  
"I fell off a building and had too be revived by _Xellos_," he spat. "And that was a really short one, anyway."   
  
**EVE-- *frowns* "Phibrizo, take out the cigarettes."**   
  
"Aye-aye, captain!" He snickered.   
  
Phibrizo slid one of the smokes out of its package a flicked on the lighter. Taking a long drag, he started to cough violently.   
  
**EVE-- "Hmmm … aren't you a bit young for smoking?"**   
  
"No. I. Am. Not. And the only reason I'm coughing is that cigarettes don't exist in the Slayers world, and I've never tried them before."   
  
**EVE-- "Sure they do -- they have cigars, don't they?"**   
  
"Uhh…"   
  
"Hey," protested Zel, "why is everybody ignoring me? I'm actually getting kind of bored. And all the blood is rushing to my head. And why are you torturing _me_? I mean, Lina is the one who was chiefly responsible for Phibrizos death, wasn't she?"   
  
"Lina's busy right now, and I'm not aloud. Besides, since I'm here right now I'm not supposed to know that." He pressed the tip of the cancer stick into the center of Zelgadis' forehead. "Got it?"   
  
Zelgadis screamed.   
  
"See? _This_ is why it can be better to be made of rock!"   
  
"You little -- I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!!!" He spat.   
  
"Tsk-tsk … hasn't anyone ever taught you not speak out of turn?" He pressed the cigarette into the thin skin of Zelgadis' neck, then moved on to the wrists and armpits.   
  
Zelgadis hung there limply, low whimpers painfully emerging from his blackened throat.   
  
Phibrizo decided to see how long it would take for the embers to burn through the sole of the ex-chimera's foot, where the skin was thicker but a bit more sensitive.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  



	9. Return Of the Fruitcake

  
  
"Is it that piece of twine over there?"   
  
"Nope. That's nineteen questions -- you only get one more."   
  
Lina sighed in exasperation. This game was really stupid anyway, and she had grounds to believe that Xellos was cheating -- mainly just that he was him. "Fine then. Is it … that little twig caught in the doorway?"   
  
"Nope!" Said Xellos, sounding rather pleased with himself.   
  
"Aw, come on Xellos; I've named practically everything in this room -- what is it?!"   
  
"Why your thong of course! See, it's in that pile of clothes over there, half on the floor and half on your cape."   
  
"My … my … I DON'T WEAR A THONG!!!"   
  
"But you do, Lina-chan! And it looked so lovely on you too."   
  
"And what is **that** supposed to mean?! I … you … you looked at me while I was changing, didn't you?"   
  
"Uh -- I didn't mean to, Lina-chan. It's just that being a monster and all, I see even when my eyes are closed, and I tried not to, but then I was … Lina-chan?" He looked at her curiously, wondering why she was suddenly so calm. He got a bad feeling in the pit of his astral stomach -- what was that saying about being in the eye of a storm?   
  
Lina sighed. "I suppose I really should have expected this." Then she jumped up and proceeded to beat the living crap out of him.   
  
"Oh! Lina-chan! Please don't -- hey, nobody is supposed to bend that way, mazoku or human! Oww…"   
  
After what seemed to Xellos like an extremely unreasonable amount of time, Lina finally pulled away from his bloody and beaten form.   
  
There was really only a certain amount of physical harm any creature could take, even if the one in question _was_ a masochistic demon with an astral body and no actual physical form of his own.   
  
"Ah, I feel much better now." Remarked Lina happily. "Now--" she looked down at Xellos, who was staring at her with a blissfully happy expression through a mass of bruises and a cut lip. Lina sweatdropped. "Hmm … I hope I didn't bash your head against that wall too hard … what are you staring at, fruitcake?!"   
  
"Uhh…" replied Xellos smartly with an enormous grin.   
  
_Hmm…_ Lina thought, _what is he--_ she looked down at herself panickedly and suddenly realized that she was completely naked.   
  
"AAAGGHHH!!!" Exclaimed Lina. "DON'T LOOK AT ME YOU STUPID HENTAI!!!!!"   
  
Thinking fast, she pulled the old blankets up to her chest and bashed Xellos back into the wall. Xellos blinked, looking like he'd just been brought out of a trance.   
  
"Er … something wrong, Lina-chan?" He asked with a wince.   
  
"Grrr … what do you think is wrong?!!!" She growled. "If you ever look at me like that again, I'm gonna tear out your eyes and make you eat 'em, got it?!"   
  
"Y-yes, Lina-chan … I'm sorry, but I really couldn't help it."   
  
"And why not?!" She demanded.   
  
"I think you fractured my spine. I couldn't move my head!"   
  
"Like hell you couldn't…"   
  
"Besides," he remarked, "at least now I know that what Gourry always says isn't really true."   
  
"And just which of his ramblings would you be referring to?" She said lowly, eyes narrowing.   
  
"Your ches--"   
  
Unfortunately, Xellos was never able complete that statement as at that moment Lina picked up her pillow and attempted to ram it down the mazoku's throat.   
  



	10. Mortals Are Gross

  
  
Zelgadis gasped for air, sweat running down his face as he struggled to regain consciousness.   
  
"Oh good, you're awake … I was beginning to think I had lost you."   
  
Gathering together what little saliva he had left in his mouth, Zel spat in Phibrizo's face.   
  
Phibrizo wiped it off. "_Ewww…_" he protested. "Ugh. Mortals are so gross."   
  
"Don't you think you've tortured me enough? You can't kill me off; I'm a main character … so let me go."   
  
"Umm … no."   
  
Zelgadis growled. "Just how much more of this do you expect me to take?!" He looked up at his pitiful body, covered with painful burns from not only the cigarettes, but the lighter and matches as well. Rivers of dried blood ran down his legs from where the manacles holding him to the ceiling were cutting into his ankles. And all the blood was rushing to his head, a sensation which he hated.   
  
"I'm not sure. Maybe you should ask Ne -- er, Eve."   
  
Zelgadis sighed. "O Eve, great writer of Slayers fics, when in hell are you gonna let me go and return me to the regularly scheduled fic?!"   
  
**EVE-- *blushes and giggles* "Why thank you Zelgadis … and you can leave here when I think Phibrizo's tortured you long enough. Don't worry, shouldn't be -- oh, is that a switchblade?! Um … could be a while yet. But don't worry; I had Xellos fill in for you in the fic while you're gone, but if you like you can replace him when you get back."**   
  
Zelgadis frowned. "Is it a good fic?"   
  
**EVE-- "Well … I think that you would like it. And although it may be hazardous to your health, I can't say that you wouldn't enjoy it!"**   
  
"Oh, well that sounds -- wait a minute, did you say you have _Xellos_ filling in for me?!!"   
  
**EVE-- "Yep!" ^_^**   
  
"Are you insane?! That stupid fruitcake is gonna mess up my whole life! I mean, this is _Xellos_ we're talking about … why would you replace me with him, huh?! We're completely different people. Oh, now you've done it, you've completely ruined this fic of yours … if it wasn't ruined already, of course…"   
  
**EVE-- "Hey, watch what you say about my fic! It's a good fic. And Xellos is doing way better at this than you _ever_ could."**   
  
"What do you mean?! I was the originally intended character. I mean, he's evil for godsakes!"   
  
**EVE-- "Well, _duh_. I mean, that's really the whole point, isn't it??"**   
  
"Huh?!"   
  
**EVE-- *sighs* "Being evil isn't necessarily a bad thing … all my favorite characters are evil, at least to some extent … and who are you to say what evil really is, any way?! The happy, nice ones always get boring … or, more likely, excruciatingly nauseating. I like the ones with a dark side to them … like Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And Dilandau-sama from Escaflowne…" *sighs dreamily* "Oh Dilandau-sama, why couldn't you be real? And why did you have to end up being a girl in that awful TV series? …"**   
  
Phibrizo loudly cleared his thoat. "Um, excuse me? …"   
  
**EVE-- *growls* "What?!!"**   
  
"Um, I don't mean to bother you, but … you've all been ignoring me for the past five minutes, and I'm really, really bored. And I've never heard of Dilandau, or … whatever it was you said. So if you don't mind? …"   
  
EVE-- *laughs nervously* "Uh … right. You just go right ahead, then."   
  
"Thank you." He replied politely.   
  
Zelgadis cleared his throat. "HEEEEEEEEELLLP!!!!"   
  
Phibrizo laughed. "I'm not sure where we are, but I don't think anybody will be able to hear us. So will you pleeaaase stop that?!! It's really hard on the ears…"   
  
"All I ever wanted was to be human again. Well, I mean that's all I ever wanted after being turned into a chimera, which actually resulted from my previous life-long dream: to be strong. And now all I want to do is get out of this stupid cave! Oh, why does life always have to have these stupid lessons and morals? It's like -- what's the term for it … a cruel irony??   
  
**EVE-- "Uhh … sorta. I think what you're trying to say here is, dreams can come true. It's just the outcome will probably be crappier than your previous predicament."**   
  
"Exactly. My life sucks. Where is the justice?!!"   
  
**EVE-- >_;; **   
  
Phibrizo stabbed Zelgadis in the arm. "Shut up. You're scaring Eve."   
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." He replied sarcastically. "I'll just -- wait, did you just stab me with a pencil?!"   
  
"Uh, yes, it looks like I did." Phibrizo sweatdropped, looking in confusion at the tiny yellow object in his hand that was covered with blood.   
  
**EVE-- "A #2 pencil."**   
  
They stared.   
  
**EVE-- "And now, back to the main fic!!!"**   
  



	11. A Halfassed Parody of Sap and the Eleven...

  
  
"Oh Xellos, I think I finally understand how I really feel about you."   
  
"As do I, Lina-chan. I didn't think it was possible for my race, but it looks like I've proven wrong."   
  
"Being trapped in this cabin with you has really opened my eyes. Xellos Metallium, I--"   
  
**EVE-- "Well, this would have been interesting. However, if you'd like to read more of this you should turn to some other, sappier writers who can write this kind of crap without becoming dangerously ill. Even this tiny portion of it nearly made me sick. Now here's what really happened:"**   
  
"I hate you."   
  
"I love you too, Lina-chan!"   
  
"Araaaagh!!! Shut up, shut up, shut uuup!!!!"   
  
"Hey, it's not my fault that we're stuck here."   
  
"Yes it is -- if you wanted to, you could just teleport us out of here and this whole nightmare would be over."   
  
"Umm … no I couldn't."   
  
"Why not?!!"   
  
"Uhhh … there are certain times in life when mazoku don't want t -- er -- aren't able to use their full powers. This is one of them."   
  
Lina glared. "If you had a physical body, I would kill you and eat your remains."   
  
Xellos looked at her worriedly. "Didn't you bring any food?"   
  
His nose crumpled inward as fist met flesh. _It's a good thing I heal so fast,_ he reflected; _if I still had those injuries she gave me before my situation might be critical by now._   
  
"And move over!" Lina shouted. "You're taking up too much of the bed, and you touch me with even a _toe_ you're gonna find that that body part isn't there any more!"   
  
"But I thought you _liked_ touching me!" Xellos whined.   
  
Lina raised her fist for the umteenth time, amazed that after all this he still continued to infuriate her.   
  
"No, please don't hit me again! I -- I didn't mean it that way! I just meant that you seem to really like beating me up!"   
  
The hand slowly lowered back to the bed. "Oh, all right. But if you annoy me one more time…" she let the threat hang.   
  
"Don't worry Lina-chan! I won't do anything to annoy anyone, promise!"   
  
Lina's eyebrows lifted fractionally upon hearing the extremely uncharacteristic phrase leave the makoku's lips, but decided to let it go and settled back into the pillows. At least now she might finally be able to get some sleep…   
  
The tiny sorceress sighed happily. The blankets were finally warming up, and even though the bed was old it was really soft.   
  
_Maybe I'll be somewhere warmer when I wake up. Like on the inside of a live volcano or something…_   
  
Hours later:   
  
Lina slowly awoke, feeling heavy and comfortable.   
  
_Now this is nice, she thought. Warm -- I'm finally warm again! And these are really nice sheets._ She paused, slowly coming back into the world of awareness. _Wait a minute, these aren't sheets…_   
  
Lina bolted upright, face blushing bright red as she realized that the thing she'd been lying on was -- "Xellos!" She exclaimed, automatically putting him into headlock. "Why was I lying on top of _you_?!!!"   
  
"Gee, I don't know, Lina-chan." He replied, blinking sleepily and reaching over her arm to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "You must have moved around in your sleep."   
  
"Even in my sleep I would never be so undignified as to roll onto you. Tell me the truth, namigomi!!"   
  
"I swear, Lina-chan, I never t -- moved you at all."   
  
"And why should I believe _you_, liar?"   
  
"Oh, don't be so mean, Lina-chan! You know I never lie -- I only twist the truth."   
  
She glared at him warily.   
  
"Just look here -- it's in my biography!"   
  
He handed her a small pile of paper with the name 'Xellos' clearly printed on the top in black ink. Lina quickly flipped through it all, deciding not to bother wondering where he had gotten it from when they were in the middle of the woods and all his belongings were in a neat pile over at the far end of the room.   
  
"Hey, you're right, it does say -- you don't wear any underwear?!!"   
  
Xellos sweatdropped. "Well, it doesn't say that _exactly_…"   
  
She narrowed her eyes. "The more that I know about you, the more I respect your catchphrase."   
  
"Oh, come on … I'm not that bad! Just think about it -- I have a high status in life, I'm one of the most powerful beings on this world, and I have lots of money from all the wealthy kingdoms I've brought down. What more could you want?"   
  
Lina looked thoughtful for a second, then filled with regret. "I return to my earlier statement."   
  
"I'm also good-looking."   
  
"A little boy who saw you a couple towns back asked me if you were gay."   
  
Xellos frowned. "That's odd…"   
  
"Well, you _do_ have purple hair … but yeah, that was kinda unfair; you don't look gay … some of the time…"   
  
"Are you implying something?" Asked Xellos with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Do you **think** I'm implying something?" She glared at him, as if daring him to answer her question.   
  
Xellos just sighed.   
  



	12. Why We Love Zel

  
  
Zelgadis sighed, attempting to ignore the steady trickle of blood running down from his feet to his chest. "Why does everybody always pick on _me_?" He asked wearily.   
  
**EVE-- "Because, Zel-kun … you're just so damn cute when you're depressed that it's simply impossible to resist!"**   
  
Zelgadis stared back at her incredulously. "You-you're having Phibrizo torture me because I look good when I'm depressed?!"   
  
**EVE-- "Yep! And when you're scared, and when you're embarrassed, and when you're frustrated … and the way you always cling to false hopes over and over again only to have them dashed against the rocks every time."**   
  
"But he's made of _rock_!!" Protested Phibrizo. "Or, he _was_ … now could you please just tell me what is so attractive about that?!"   
  
**EVE-- *smirks* "Sounds like somebody's jealous…"**   
  
"Am not!!" He exclaimed, face flushing.   
  
"I just wish that everybody would leave me alone…" sighed Zel.   
  
**EVE-- "Oh, you're _never_ happy, are you? At least this way you know you're loved."**   
  
"I do?"   
  
**EVE-- *scowls* "This is getting boring … shock him, Phibby."**   
  
Zelgadis looked nervous but decided to hold his tongue and instead watched Phibrizo rummaging through the little 'torture chest'. A few seconds later the small mazoku stood up again, holding a long silver object.   
  
"Ohh!" Yipped Phibrizo, unable to contain a gleeful squeal. "A cattle prod -- I've always wanted to use one of these!"   
  
Zelgadis groaned. It was going to be a long night…   
  



	13. The Thirteenth Chapter

  
  
"Hmm, what's this?" wondered Lina, pulling a small paper bag out from between the two mattresses.   
  
"Drugs?" suggested Xellos.   
  
She took a look at the label. "Nope … appear to be … Glosettes or something, by the looks of the picture."   
  
"Hmm … why don't you try one?"   
  
"Are you crazy?! These could have been in here for years!!!"   
  
"Do you really care?"   
  
"Umm … no. Not really." She popped one into her mouth. "Hey, wait a minute; these aren't Glosettes…"   
  
"Oh?"   
  
"No. They're…" She gasped in excitement. "Chocolate covered coffee beans!!!"   
  
It took a moment for Xellos to digest this useful bit of information. By the time that moment was over, Lina had already eaten the beans and was waiting for the impending sugar rush tempered with a huge shot of caffeine.   
  
_Oh crap…_ Thought Xellos as he realized what this could mean for him.   
  
Nothing good.   
  
Suddenly Lina looked up from where she was once again rummaging through the space in between the matresses. "Hey look, a fork."   
  
Xellos turned white.   
  
**EVE-- "Hmmm … I think I should copyright that fork of mine. I really do like it … I'm always attempting to threaten people with it in real life, only to realize that it doesn't actually exist. Oh well … I suppose the internet is all that really matters, anyway…" *clears throat* "Anyways…"**   
  
Lina shrugged and tossed the fork away. Xellos sighed in relief.   
  
He picked up the discarded package and took a close look at the fine print. "Uh, Lina, these aren't chocolate covered coffee beans."   
  
"Really? Hmm … I thought they tasted kinda funny … what are they, then?"   
  
"Chocolate liquor balls."   
  
Lina frowned. "Uh-oh…"   
  
  
  
**A/N-- Wow, my chapters seem to be getting shorter and shorter, don't they? Sorry 'bout that ... I've been working on some other stuff and never seem to get around to this one. I'll try to write the next part faster. In other news -- I GOT A BAG OF FORKS LAST THURSDAY!!!! I'm so excited ... maybe I'll take a trip over to the local orphanage tomorrow. Where is that, anyway? Hmmm ... oh, um, see ya next time, minna! Bye-bye! *Runs out of the (screen?) giggling maniacally while holding an enormous pair of scizzors***


	14. Interlude

  
  
**EVE-- "Ya know, I'm feeling kinda bored right now. Entertain me."**   
  
"How?" Asked Phibrizo.   
  
**EVE-- "I _said_, ENTERTAIN ME!!!!"**   
  
Phibrizo looked around panickedly for a good destraction. Zelgadis, who also did not wish to incure the wrath of the psychotic writer, frowned in thought for a second and then whispered something in Phibby's ear.   
  
There were some shuffles, the sound of wood being sawed, and suddenly standing in the center of the mysteriously enlarged cavern was a little stage with a red curtain drawn across the surface. Angry voices spoke in quiet tones from behind it.   
  
**EVE-- "I'm _waiting_…"**   
  
There was a crack of electricity and a horrible scream. Suddenly the curtain was drawn back. Zelgadis stood there in the center, smoking slightly and wearing puffy clothes with lots of frills and lace. Before him was Phibrizo, dressed similarly but in a dress instead of a tunic and hose. His hair had been curled slightly and framed his face beautifully.   
  
**EVE-- *smirks***   
  
Zelgadis-- "Oh, Phib -- uh -- Phil … ly … you look so beautiful tonight."   
  
Philly-- "Why thank you, Zel … ger. You also look … very *twitch* handsome."   
  
Zelger-- "Then come, let us go to the ball."   
  
Philly-- "Okay."   
  
The curtain closed. When it opened again there was a huge disco ball hanging from the ceiling and Zelgadis and Phibrizo were attempting to dance.   
  
Zelger-- "OW! You little fu -- er, Philly, you stepped on my foot. Don't you know how to dance?"   
  
Philly-- "No, Zelger. Why don't you teach me?" *bats eyelashes*   
  
Zelger-- "It's easy. See, look at my feet. Side, side, back. Side, side, back.   
  
Philly-- "Uh, Zelger, I'm no expert at dancing, but … isn't this 'swing' dancing or something? I don't think that this has been invented yet. This is a ball."   
  
Zelger-- *glares* "Oh yes, that's right … please forgive me. I don't know how to dance like that very well, so just--" *twitch* "--hold onto me and let's sway to the music."   
  
Philly-- "Alright then."   
  
They started spinning around on the makeshift stage, trying to stay as far away from each other as possible while still holding each to himself.   
  
Philly--"I am thirsty. Why don't you get me some punch?"   
  
Zelger--"All right."   
  
Zelgadis walked off the stage. Phibrizo looked disinterestedly at the spot where he'd disappeared to.   
  
Philly--"Oh, my … who is that girl Zelger is talking to? Why is he--" *gasp* "--he is kissing her! Oh, I feel so betrayed … there is only one solution. Oh, Zelger!"   
  
Zegadis walked back on stage, looking nervous.   
  
Zelger--"Uh … yes?"   
  
Philly--"Did you get me some punch?"   
  
Zelger--"Yes … here it is, _dear_."   
  
Philly--"Thank you so much … but y'know, I don't feel so thirsty anymore. You drink it."   
  
Zelger--"What?"   
  
Philly--"You drink it."   
  
Zelger--"No."   
  
He stared at Phibby with an extremely confused (and mildly alarmed) expression, cursing the day that his mother has conceived him.   
  
Phibrizo sighed. Then he pulled out a sword from … somewhere … let's just say, cyberspace, shall we? Grasping it firmly in his hands, he shoved it through Zelgadis's left kidney.   
  
Philly--"Oh no, Zelger! If only I hadn't been so jealous. Oh well, at least now I can get back those CDs I lent you."   
  
The curtains closed.   
  
**EVE--*applauds* "Bravo! Encore!"**   
  
Just then, Zelgadis fell through the curtains. As he dropped he grabbed on to one of them, causing the entire thing to come crashing down on him.   
  
**EVE--*winces* "Oops … I forgot about all those injuries you gave him before, Phibrizo … ew, he leaked blood all over the stage."**   
  
Phibrizo made a little noise of disgust. "Ugh … he got blood all over my dress!"   
  
**EVE--"I guess we'd better give him a little while to recover. Now Phibby, I want you to stay right here and watch him okay? And if he has so much as another **scratch** on him when I get back, I'll gut you with a rusty fork … got it?"**   
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
**EVE--"Well, I've left Lina and Xellos alone together for a good five minutes now … and … well … oh, I've gotta go!"**   
  
"Hey, wait! You can't just leave me here! I'm sure that Zelly will be fine lying here unconcious … pleeeeaase?"   
  
**EVE--"Sorry, no can do. It' s too dangerous."**   
  
"Oh, come on … what could have happened?"   
  



	15. A Downside To Alcohol

**AN: Wow ... it's been, what, three weeks since I've updated this? A month? ^^; Sorry 'bout that ... lately I've been more interested in reading fanfiction than writing it. Plus, somehow I ended up writing this out by hand first and I'm extremely lazy so it took me quite some time to start writing it up. As for the shortness of my chapters ... well, I'm getting near the end now so the scene changes are happening more frequently. If it's any comfort, I'm working on something else right now that's actually gonna be serious for a change and I can promise that when I finally decide to start posting it the chapter are gonna be nice and long. Oh, and thankyou so much for all those nice reviews that you gave me! I know this took incredibly long, but believe it or not it would have been a lot longer if I hadn't got those. Well, I think I've babbled long enough... **

* * *

EVE--"…" O_O "That's … surprising. I wonder how that -- oh, I should look away. Really … oh, hang on." *Takes out a big plastic remote control* "Rewind." 

_5 minutes earlier…_

"…So I says to him, I'm the Beautiful Sorcery Genius Lina Inverse! --And then Naga says -- and get this -- 'well, she's'--" 

"Er … Lina-chan, how often do you drink?" Xellos interrupted. 

"What?" She replied, sending a glare in his general direction. "Oh … well, not much … not since the incident!" Lina broke down into a fit of giggles. 

Xellos stared at her for a moment looking mildly amused but gave his head a little shake and started looking for the bag that the liquor balls had come in. 

He took a look at the list of ingredients. "Let's see … cocoa powder, sugar, mil -- ah, here we are. Percentage of alchohol is…" Xellos opened his eyes. "Oh, my … wasn't that illegal or something?" 

Lina giggled some more. "You know … you should open your eyes more often." 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah … I mean, most of the time you just seem like a total fruitcake but when you open your eyes … I'm always just like, 'whoa -- when did he get so hot?!'" 

"E-excuse me?" 

"I mean don't get me wrong, Gourry's great … but he's not … I dunno. He's just not that exciting an' all, if ya know what I means … I wanna man who can get my blood rushing." Lina started laughing again. 

"Are you … okay?" 

Lina smirked. "I could be a lot better…" 

"You're drunk." 

"So you 'ren't gonna take advantage of me or what?" 

"Uhhh…" 

"I'll make it easier for you…" she pressed her lips against his in a searing kiss. 

Xellos' last thought before his brain stopped working was, _she's going to have a really awful hangover tomorrow morning…_

**Back to the present. **

EVE--"Oh, so _that's_ what -- wow, where'd she learn _that_?! -- Happened. Oh, I should really, really look away now -- shouldn't Lina be passing out or something by now?! Damn magically increased tolerance for alcohol…" 

PHIBRIZO--"So what was the big -- HOLY $@!#!!!" 

EVE--"Phibby!!! Wha-what are you doing here?!" 

PHIBRIZO--"My eyes…" 

EVE--*growls*"What the hell do you think you're doing? I-I specifically told you not to come here!" 

PHIBRIZO--"And now I know why. Hentai!!" 

EVE--"I am n … well, I am -- but that's besides the point. I mean, how was I supposed to know they'd be doing … that?" 

PHIBRIZO--"Well you sure seemed pretty anxious to come here, didn't you?" 

EVE--"What?! I … it wasn't that! I mean … Lina was drunk; I was worried that she might've decided to turn Xellos into sushi or something like that. But I never thought they would do … this." 

PHIBRIZO--"You wrote it!" 

EVE--"Shut up. Come on, let's go back and check on Zel; I don't want him to get away yet." 

PHIBRIZO--"I can't believe how loud they are … why do you like her?!" 

EVE--"Aw come on, she's drunk … he's taking advantage of her!" 

PHIBRIZO--*shudders*"Who would _want_ to? And that Xellos ... what a freak. I never did like him..." 

EVE--"Hey, he's _your_ minion." 

PHIBRIZO--"As if! He belongs to Zelas-sama and you know it. My priest and/or general would have never done anything so … so … ugh…" 

EVE--"Oh, you're so naïve. You--" 

Lina shifted in the bed so that she was directly facing them. ****

PHIBRIZO--"…" 

EVE--"Ew, stop staring! _Now_ who's the hentaii?!" 

PHIBRIZO--"As if I'd want to look at -- uh…" 

EVE--"Well you stop it?! You're getting blood all over the floor … oh, for … who's stupid idea was it for the anime guys to get nosebleeds every time they see a girl's--" 

PHIBRIZO--"AAARRRGGHH!! Can we just go? Please?" 

EVE--"Are you sure…" 

PHIBRIZO--"YES!!!" 

EVE--"Alright, come on … let's leave those two alone." 

PHIBRIZO--*shudders* 


	16. The Chimera Escapes

**AN: Sorry for keeping ya all waiting! I finished this a long time ago but was too lazy to post it. Well, on the bright side: while I was stalling I finished the next part, so that'll be up pretty soon -- put them together and they make almost a whole chapter! R&R and I will try to get the last couple of chapters onto the computer faster.**

* * *

  
  
Phibrizo materialized in the center of the small cavern. "We're baa-aaa -- hey, where'd he go?" 

** EVE--"Oh, shit … I told you we'd been gone too long." **

Phibrizo snorted. "Oh please … if you hadn't been trying (unsuccessfully) to tease me so much, we could've been back ages ago." ****

EVE--"Well _I_ wasn't the one who couldn't keep my attention focused away from a certain redheaded sorceress … and that was disgusting by the way; you were acting like a total hentai." 

Phibrizo flushed bright red in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "I was _not_! In fact, I seem to remember it was _you_ who couldn't keep their eyes in their sockets!" 

** EVE--"Yeah, sure Phibby. Well, I think we've lost Zelgadis by now … I rigged it so the second he stepped out of this room he'd turn back into a chimera, which means that even though he's probably still pretty weak, he's no doubt healed himself by now and is speeding away from this place as fast as his superhuman abilities will allow."**

"Can't we just go after him?" He inquired with a small frown, glancing at the bloody trail leading out of the room through a large hole in the wall. He could've sworn that that hadn't been there before… 

** EVE--"Naw … I figure we've done enough to him. I'm sure he'll find his way back into the fic somehow, and I'm sorta tired … my muscles are cramped from laughing so much over the less fortunate. Besides -- the other characters seem to be doing fine so far, and it looks like our work here is done." **

There was a rare, precious moment of uncomfortable silence. 

"So, what d'you wanna do now?" 

** EVE--"Umm … I could go for an ice cap." **

"What's an ice cap?" 

** EVE--*looks pensive*"Come, let us go to Tim Hortons." **

The room was briefly rocked with a dimensional shift, consuming the small dark lord and ridding the chamber of the various implements of torture and leftover scenery from the skit. As the magic settled back into the air, the tiny pocket dimension began to rock and shift, warping and twisting into something entirely unrecognizable. 

And then it was gone, leaving only a trickle of half dried blood and sweat to hint that it had ever even existed in the first place. 

Half buried in the dirt was a bloody fork. 

* * *


	17. Pillow Talk

Finally they lay back, panting with exertion. 

"Wow … that was…" 

"I … yeah…" 

"Er … Lina-chan…" 

"...Hai?" 

"Please don't kill me when you're sober again." 

"I … I'm not drunk, Xellos." 

"Huh?" 

"I never was. I was just trying to get you in the sack." 

"NANI?!!!" 

"Yeah, I was surprised too." 

"But … but … that doesn't make any sense." 

"Why not?" 

"Well, for one thing, it would be completely OOC for you to even consider that. You also have spent the entire time here beating me up -- not that I don't appreciate it, of course, but I could sense that it was real anger. Plus, those were real chocolate liquor balls, and even if they weren't there's no way that you could have gotten--" 

Suddenly, a small freezing plastic container smacked into the center of Xellos' forehead. 

"Oww…" 

Lina picked it up. "What's this?" 

"I -- I don't know. I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before." 

"That's weird … look, it has writing on it! It says … 'Tim Hortons iced Cappuccino'." 

"What do you think it means?" 

Lina shrugged. "I dunno … maybe it's a sign from the gods." 

"Shabranigdo, you mean?" 

"Uhhh … yeah … sure…" 

"But then what--" 

"Xellos…" 

"Hai?" 

"Shut up." 

** What followed is not a part of this fic and involved few actual words that I feel comfortable repeating in a parody. However, it did not involve lemons in any way … unless you count figuratively speaking, of course.**

* * *


	18. On the Run

**AN: Yes, I procrastinated again. But I don't care ... screw you! *laughs madly* You'll never catch me alive!!! *Hops onto a small rusty trycicle and starts wheeling away* Er ... Phibby ... What happened to the getaway car? **

PHIBRIZO--*falls over* 

EVE--"Oh well ... only one more chappy to go, people! One pathetic, pathetic excuse for a chapter." *smiles contentedly* "Well, should be up within a week or so ... or today; whichever comes first. Ja ne!!!" 

PHIBRIZO--"I want another iced cappuccino." 

* * *

Zelgadis hurt. His legs hurt, his eyes hurt, his neck hurt. He felt extremely dizzy and ill from loss of blood, and he had an odd craving for a Camel cigarette. 

He had tried to heal himself of course, but he had been preoccupied with other things at the time (like running away from a torture session with two people who clearly needed to seek mental help), and he hadn't done a very job of it. What's more, he had actually managed to acquire some _new_ injuries since then; he had broken out of the chamber only to wind up in a series of cramped, Aladdin-meets-Harry Potter caverns full of nasty little creatures that kept popping up when he least expected them and attacking him unprovoked. 

The gremlins weren't so bad, but that dragon back there had nearly taken an arm off. And the unicorns had been displaying some distinctly _un_-unicorn-like behavior. (At least, he _thought_ it was un-unicorn-like; weren't unicorns supposed to be shy little horse people that inhabit enchanted forests and only come out of hiding to visit virgins in meadows or have their horns cut off by frantic peasants?) 

Either way, it was bad … really bad. He was going as fast as he could (which is pretty fast even considering all of his injuries and the unexpected delays) but there were still no signs of a pathway to the outside world. Plus, he was a Chimera again! In conclusion, he was getting pretty pissed off. 

"Fuck Phibrizo, FUCK Eve, fuck Xellos, fuck fanfiction, fuck life … God … L-sama … Shabranigdo, Rezo, Ceified, whoever … please, just kill me now. Put me out of my misery, I'm begging you." He paused. "Damnit, why can't I ever get a break?!" 

In response a fat, rather unusual looking elf-like creature he was passing offered him a bite of pizza that appeared to be sprinkled with rat poison. Zel decided to ignore it and focus at the task at hand. 

He continued his mad race through the Underground for another three hours, only stopping once to drink from a puddle and even then it was because he was becoming dangerously dehydrated and would accept even the … er … questionable water-like liquid that was available. 

Finally, Zelgadis decided he'd better stop before he passed out or re-opened his wounds or something. He stood there for a few seconds, panting, before realizing that there was someone beside him. 

And knowing this place, it probably wasn't friendly. 

"Hullo there. Do ya fancy a newspaper, guv'nor, or some coffee? Only $3.50 each … that's in dollars, mind you; if you have to exchange currency there's a Cash Converter right around the corner." 

Zelgadis blinked. "Um … could you just tell me where I am?" 

"Well you're in the Underground, of course; where did you think you was?" 

"I dunno … just … **where** in the Underground?" 

"Stop #37 … the ticket booth's right over there, if that's what you're looking for." 

He slowly turned to look where the was pointing; sure enough there was a ticket booth there, right beside some sort of large metallic vehicle. 

Interesting. 

"Bloody hell, what 'appened to your face?!" 

Five minutes and one uncharacteristically sadistic beating later, a considerably calmer Zelgadis bought a ticket and got onto the train. 

* * *


	19. The End

The smooth rock face overlooking a small clearing in the woods shook. Tiny faults appeared, as though something hard was hitting it from the inside. For a second it was all right again, but then there was a second tremor, and a third. Finally, the wall gave. Dirt and granite sprayed outwards onto the fresh snow and a small figure fell out, panting with exhaustion. 

Zelgadis groaned in pain, and looked up to see where he was. 

Four metres away was an old cabin covered in snow. 

_Well, at least something's gone right today._ He thought, shrugging aside his fatigue and pushing painfully to his feet. 

He walked shakily to the building and opened the door. Took a step inside. 

Paused. 

Xellos looked up at him and shifted Lina in his embrace, curled gently around him and sound asleep. He smiled smugly. 

Zelgadis blinked a few times, looking tiredly resigned to his pitiful fate, and did a U-turn. He trudged off into the distance and tried to find a way back into the more predictable (with transcripts of course), if not necessarily safer, series. 

In the cabin, Lina blinked sleepily and let out a small sigh. 

"Xellos?" 

"Hai?" 

"What was that?" 

"What was what, Lina-chan?." 

"I though I heard something..." 

He shrugged. "It's nothing. Go back to sleep." 

"…Okay." 

And they slept all through the night. 

* * *

**EVE--"The End!" **

PHIBRIZO--*rolls eyes* "_Finally_! I was beginning to think this freakshow would never stop." 

EVE--*sniffles* "You're so mean to me..." 

PHIBRIZO--*sweatdrops* "Um ... yes. Yes, I am. Now can I go?" 

EVE--"Oh, c'mon, Phib ... don't be such a wet blanket." 

PHIBRIZO--"And will you stop shortening my name? It's really annoying." 

EVE--"Hmph. For your information, I'm not quite finished yet. And you, Ph, are coming with me." 

PHIBRIZO--"Nani?!! No way!!" 

EVE--"Come, young apprentice. We have much work to do." 

PHIBRIZO--"What the hell?!" *sulks* 

* * *


	20. Review Responses

AN: Thought I was dead, didn't you? Didn't you? Hah!! I'm alive; I'm more than alive ... just kinda bored and finally in the mood to write something and finish this. Everybody's off doing something else except for me, and I don't know what's going on ... *sniffles* Oh well. Here. I'm done. Next time I write I'll try to finish the fic first and post regularily.   
  


* * *

  
  
** PHIBRIZO--*looks at chapter title dubiously* "You're kidding, right?" **

EVE--"Nope!" ^__^ 

PHIBRIZO--"But you -- you … you can't!" 

EVE--"Why ever not?" 

PHIBRIZO-- "Because … you … I mean, you never bothered to do them before; why start now? _After_ the story's done, when it doesn't matter?" 

EVE--"Hey, if it weren't for those reviewers I probably never would have finished it at all. They gave me a lot of support through this … like a good bra." 

PHIBRIZO--*blinks* "Um … whatever." 

EVE--"Now, let's see … first of all, I would like to thank Kiariyuri, shikome kido mi, Yume no Miko, Shawna, meeee, Smiigel, Ruby Hayashi Canadian Elf, fan, :), sakura117us, dramatta, lai, lezell, StarBurst598, RiNa MeTaLlIuM, Xelena, O_o, Toki Mirage, intoxicated-death-chick, Laimoko, Demeter, Goddess of Protection, and ^^……himitsu." 

PHIBRIZO--*sweatdrops* "_Those_ are review responses?" 

EVE--*nods and looks extremely satisfied* 

PHIBRIZO--"Those are -- you -- those are not review responses. Those are … I dunno … I mean -- can't you do _anything_ right?" 

EVE--"Oh, shut up, Plot Device." 

PHIBRIZO--"EXCUSE ME? I am NOT a--" 

EVE--"Anyways, I'll do personal responses next time … oh, and for those who've asked, I'll probably not be continuing any of my other fics. Not unless I'm really bored. And yes, I know I've been really behind on my writing for the past … uh … yeah, but sue me; I don't write unless I feel like it." 

PHIBRIZO--*scowls* 

EVE--"Now, I was originally intending to do actual review responses here, but … I don't feel like it. Instead, I decided to make up for the crappy ending of this fic with some sheer mindless violence." 

PHIBRIZO--*is suddenly much more alert* "NANI?!!" 

EVE--"Shut up. Talking annoys me." *smacks Phib-kun across the face* 

PHIBRIZO--*looks shocked and strangely hurt* "Wha -- why … you're mean!!!" 

EVE--"No, I'm a sadist. And a bitch who gets a lot of crappy mood swings. There's a difference." *grabs Phibby around the neck and is about to commence with a good beating when suddenly a door appears to one side and swings open to bash against the newly existing wall* 

LINA--"Hello … whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-yourself." 

EVE--*drops Phibby into a rock-filled pit* "Um … hi. How did you get in here?" 

LINA--"Never mind that. Now, what the hell were you on when you wrote this fic?!" 

*rest of the Slayers cast walks in behind her, nodding wisely in agreement* 

EVE--"Aw, shit … look, I know I didn't do the best job … but I was just kidding, really; the fic was totally non-serious!" 

ZELGADIS--"You tortured me for hours. With Phibrizo. And you mocked me a lot and made me incredibly OOC. And god damnit, I still am." 

AMELIA--"You disregarded logic in order to create the ideal situation and befouled the good name of justice!" 

GOURRY--"Um … why are we here again?" 

Cue multiple sweatdrops. 

EVE--"Look, it's just a fic, okay? At least I tried to use correct spelling and grammar. And besides, you're all just plot devices created to vent my subconscious guilt at doing a shoddy job on this." 

PHIBRIZO--"I am NOT a PLOT DEVICE**!!!!" **

EVE--*shovels more rocks into the hole* 

XELLOS--*floats around the room with his usual genki expression* 

EVE--"Look, I don't even want to write this anymore, okay? It's over. The last crappy chapter was finished a couple of months ago and there isn't even a point anymore. I just want to post this and be done with it all." 

LINA--*rolls eyes* "Well then do it. And leave me -- er, us -- alone." 

EVE--"Okay. Good. Fine. Although, um, I _will_ be writing other fics about you guys, understand. Actually, I'm working on one right now." 

LINA--"_Excuse_ me? No way. Look, I'm sure we can come to a good compromise over this. How about you ditch the stupid fanfiction, and I send a fireball up your--" 

The End. 

No, Seriously. 

* * *


End file.
